why?

There is something I really don't understand. Why in the world am I so bitter? I don't want to be bitter. It's not a nice thing to be, and in all honesty, it doesn't feel good. i don't want to be this way. This can't be a good thing.

i'm bitter in a lot of ways, and towards different people. i never used to be this way, but I am now. I guess some of the things I've been through have contributed to it, but I feel like that's not a valid excuse.

These are feelings that i'm not really used to, and to be honest, i don't want to get used to. but it comes flying at me out of left field. i want to vent, but then again, i don't want to become a complainer.

I'm so confused.

The truth is among us

I got this from a Facebook group I joined...and the news should be spread.




This is for all women who DETEST their monthly menstrual cycle! Is it any surprise that one of the first effects of sin in the world was menstruation? Really, I don't see why guys don't have to have periods too, because they don't "toil in the ground" anymore... they just play video games and football. Where's the justice?!! A guy can work outisde in the dirt for a day, get a tan, grow some vegetables, then take a shower and relax! But menstruation (not to mention child birth)?!

-Happens once a month for approximately a week NO MATTER WHAT! Come rain or shine, finals, dates, dances, major holidays or shopping trips, the menstrual cylcle stops for no woman.

-Menstruation involves bleeding from the vagina. Typing that just makes me feel gross.

-The smell. Horrific at best... like warm, oozing death.

-Cramps. An irritating inconvenience for some, for others it involves being woken up at 4 AM by a stabbing pain in the abdomen that makes you writhe in agony for four hours until you puke five times, curse the day you were born, drench whatever your wearing in sweat, eventually fall asleep exhausted, then wake up feeling like Maryanne in "Sense and Sensibility" when the fever breaks.

-Tampons: we're thankful for what they accomplish, but wouldn't you just rather not in the long run? I have a feeling that tampons will be proven (by experts) to cause cancer of the vagina within our lifetime.

-Pads: again, thankful. But gross

-The dispensers in bathroom stalls. Always overflowing and gross, because who wants to clean that out? (A note: always wrap ladies, always wrap. It's just common courtesy)

-The expense of pads, tampons, pain relief of all types, heating pads, chocolate etc.

-That in order to ease the pain and uncertainty of the menstrual cycle via birth control we have to undergo an exam that is, for lack of a better word, medieval and barbaric.

-When the blood gets on your pants/skirt. It's happened to all of us, and really, there is nothing more humilliating in this life.

-The mood swings. Unwarranted crying and yelling, depression, extreme irritation. No I'm not in a bad mood, I just have my FREAKING PERIOD... OKAY??!!!

-The weight gain. Let's just add insult to injury.

-Let's not forget the break out. As if one couldn't feel more unattractive, having one's face explode the week prior to, during or after this heinous experience really adds.

-The biorhythms developed at summer camp, or other facilities of prolonged communal living, which cause all female occupants to menstruate AT THE SAME TIME. Incidentally, this phenomena cannot be experienced until the women have lived together long enough that they are sick of each other's company anyway.

-The male reaction. Support and understading rather than extreme disgust. I mean, no one wants all the grisly details, but for heaven's sake, if they're not going to get their butts outside and toil in the earth, they had better at least appreciate the burden we're bearing.

-The Old Testament reaction. Far be it for me to criticize the Lord or the people of Israel, but Red Tents? Like, a month of ritual cleansing?

-The fact that Eve ate the apple. Dangit mom.

It's been a while

So, I haven't written in here in a while, but I finally came up with something kinda worthwhile to write about on here.

So the parentals and I joined a new church this morning. LaGuardo Baptist Church.

I've been asked how I feel about joining there, and to be honest, I don't have any feelings toward it. I figure it can't be any worse than our last church, but I am quite skeptical of them.

Everyone that came up to greet us today when we joined was very nice and personable, and yes, I was even recruited into the choir, and I'm singing in the contata next sunday, but why should I believe that they are any different than the last church people?

I'll be honest, I was ashamed to tell people I was a member at our last church...especially after we left. I'm relieved not to be on our last church's roster anymore. But upon leaving the last church, I've become even more aware of how decietful and malicious the people there were. I'm so dissappointed in some of those people. i really do feel bad for them, and all the non-Christians that come in contact with them. I'm so glad that I wasn't un-saved coming into that church. if I had been, I can guarantee that not only would I have refused to become a Christian, but the idea of just going to a church would have completely been forgotton.

I was thinking earlier today, and when I die, I know I'm going to Heaven. Clearly, I'll be in Heaven for eternity. If those people that I had to suffer being with at that church are truly Christians (and to be honest, i don't see how they could be acting the way they do) I don't want to have to spend eternity with them. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. If that's wrong for me to think...oh well. I'm human. I think. It happens. But fortunatly I love Jesus more, and I'm willing to go to Heaven to be with Him.

I've just become so completely turned off from church. i have no desire what so ever to go. I don't ever want to have to go through all the things I had to endure again.

It's strange at our new church because everyone there shakes my hand and talks to me. I'm not ignored or skirted around. Tonight at choir practice, people thanked me for coming to sing with them, and told me i did a great job...even though they probably couldn't hear me. But still. That meant sooo much to me.

i just want a church family. one that is happy to see me, doesn't ignore me, and loves Jesus more than themselves...and doesn't have completely selfish motives...and wants to grow the church for God...not keep it the same size with the same people so they can have a power trip.

I hope I'm happy about church again. i hope I enjoy it again. I hope that one day, I stop despising church. But be honest, you can't blame me. Puberty was a walk in the park compared to the hell i went through in that church.

But at least now, at this church, I can invite people, and not feel ashamed. I don't have to worry about them being ignored. I know, at this church, they will see and feel Jesus there. You don't know how much of a relief that is.

Please pray for me. i'm so spiritually deprived and parched. I need a core group of Christians my age and a little older to help and support me. I never had a youth group, and I've never had a college and career group. Something is wrong with this picture. But hopefully things are turning around for me now.

Wow, this was longer than I thought it was going to be.

wow

It's been 2 years today...

Pray for the family. Pray for the friends.

Wow.

Peace at last

So, my dad resigned as pastor this morning. My family is so relieved! The incredibly funny thing is that the people in the church that are the trouble makers wanted to vote my dad out at the business meeting this morning after services...but he totally beat them to it and knocked the wind right out of their petty little sails! Oh the looks on their faces were priceless!

I'm glad to never have to set foot in that church again. I've never seen satan so prevalent in a church as he is in that one. And the people keep encouraging it. it's really a pity.

The youth were the ones spreading crap about my dad on myspace (how lame is that?), and what's sad is they are the ones being led by leaders (and deacons and their wives) who know these kids underage drink, and don't do anything about it. these "leaders" are also the ones that took a van on the last youth camp trip and had the van "break down" and pitch a fit that the rental place gave them a faulty van...and all that was wrong was that it ran out of gas...and it didn't even dawn on them to check the flippin gas gauge. i don't know about anyone else, but these kinds of people are the ones i'd want to keep my children away from.

these are the same people that told the youth that they needed to get rid of my dad. but i guess when you're led by people like that, and they let you do whatever you want to, you'll listen to them.

And it's also sad that some of the "youth" in that church aren't youth at all, they are in college, and you'd think they were high school freshmen.

I knew some of those people outside of church, and i never in a million years would have thought that they went to church, or were christians. and even now i have a hard time believing it. last time i checked, christians didn't act that way.

i'm so glad that i can openly talk about this now, without having to worry that whatever i say will put my dad's job in jeopardy. i'm excited about the fact that at the next church we go to visit, i won't be labeled the "preacher's kid." Now I can say what needs to be said, and not get my family in trouble.

life is much better now.

i'm so glad to be free again.

i feel like i have just awoken from a nightmare, but still have the heavy aftertaste of it on my mind...but i have sweet relief!

i felt Jesus more today than I have since we started at that church.

Yes, a very few will be missed from that church, but i'm ok with that.

I'm out!

ya know...

Things at church are still bad.

It's sad that I won't even invite people to church because I know that it will turn them from church.

Seeing how those people act make me ashamed to be a Christian. I don't want to be associated with them. I wouldn't even dare to invite Jesus to my church. Remember that time he got mad at the money changers at the temple? Yeah, I'm afraid He'd start throwing tables.

You should be able to count on your church family in times of need, not have to run and hide from them for fear of ridicule.

i've also been thinking about it, and I've never really had any good church experiences...lets do a rundown of them:
- When my family and I got back into church, i was in 2nd grade. From then until we left, it was bad for me. It had to do with #1 being a child...and we all know how cruel kids can be. and #2 during the middle school time it was bad all around...you know how it is...boys v. girls, and so on.

- After we left there, we went to another church. Things started out well, but quickly progressed to being bad because of one certain person...and well, some people seem to have total power over what everyone else does/thinks in middle school/eighth grade.

- Went to the first curch my dad pastored. Preacher's kid + other kids (which were few) = we dont like you. All the youth were related, and i wasn't. Our youth program was non-existant. I was scrutinized by the entire congregation because of who my dad was. That, and i was in high school, and that time in life is hard enough by itself.

- the church i am now. we've discussed this

- Lived in Murfreesboro over the summer, and went to a church there. The pastor spoke to me ONCE the entire summer, no one asked my name, or even tried to find out about my salvation. My sunday school class were the only ones that would acknowledge me, and they didnt say anything unless they wanted me to pass the donuts. Keep in mind that the size of this church was less than 100. not ok for this to be happening.

All i want is for my family and me to be accepted and loved.
I want a loving church family. I don't want a perfect one, but I want one that has God as their focus. I have yet to find a church near that. Where has the loving spirit within the church gone? I love God. I like God. I love the church. I don't like the church.

I'm having a really hard time right now loving these people. The youth are posting things about my dad on myspace, and i'm not very appreciative. "Down with the preacher man." and "he's going to get voted off the island." or how about "why don't you ever come to church? we need your vote sunday!" Why don't they just get the balls to tell my family this to their face.

I should just stop now. Before I get into things that I shouldn't.

Someone please help me.
I just want it to stop.
You know, I don't know whether I hope my dad keeps his job there, or loses it. I just don't know.

Ponderings

So, Lately I've been thinking about why God has my family at the church we are at now. Things there have been hard and hurtful. We've been there little over a year, and I have yet to form a real bond with anyone there...especially in my age group.

Being a preacher's kid isn't all it's cracked up to be. Eventhough I'm in college I still live at home, and I feel it's important to go to our church whether or not I want to, because it's important to me to support my dad. People in the church have a tendency to forget me, and also to not realize how hurtful it is to me when people are malicious towards my family. I count too.

Things at church are very unstable. The focus isn't where it shoud be. There needs to be more focus on God, and less on starting problems. i don't understand why we can't all leave eachother alone, and focus on the only thing that matters...Jesus.

I know no one reads this, considering i just started it, but if there is someone out there, please pray for my family and for our church.

This is the first time i've been able to be on this subject and not want to fly off the handle.

i don't wish ill will on any of the church members (nice people or the mean ones), I just want to see God's will done, and people being at church for the right reason, and realizing that God is in charge, not them.

Someday this will all make sense. Until then, I'll keep pokin' along.

Let's Try This

So I'm thinking that I'm needing to find somewhere other than xanga to post. I may dual post between here and xanga, or I may just write different things on here. Who knows.

So as everyone probably knows, we are in the middle of election time. i don't know about anyone else, but the mudslinging campaigns here in Nashville are REALLY getting out of control. The candidates seem more interested in bad mouthing their opponents rather than telling people what they stand for. I, for one, don't appreciate this and think it's a total waste of time. I almost feel like running for congress and telling people i'm just in the race so there is someone who is honest, has nothing to hide, and isn't going to make others out to be satan. But we all know that i'm not eligible to run, so oh well.

That's about it for now. Maybe more later.