why?

There is something I really don't understand. Why in the world am I so bitter? I don't want to be bitter. It's not a nice thing to be, and in all honesty, it doesn't feel good. i don't want to be this way. This can't be a good thing.

i'm bitter in a lot of ways, and towards different people. i never used to be this way, but I am now. I guess some of the things I've been through have contributed to it, but I feel like that's not a valid excuse.

These are feelings that i'm not really used to, and to be honest, i don't want to get used to. but it comes flying at me out of left field. i want to vent, but then again, i don't want to become a complainer.

I'm so confused.

The truth is among us

I got this from a Facebook group I joined...and the news should be spread.




This is for all women who DETEST their monthly menstrual cycle! Is it any surprise that one of the first effects of sin in the world was menstruation? Really, I don't see why guys don't have to have periods too, because they don't "toil in the ground" anymore... they just play video games and football. Where's the justice?!! A guy can work outisde in the dirt for a day, get a tan, grow some vegetables, then take a shower and relax! But menstruation (not to mention child birth)?!

-Happens once a month for approximately a week NO MATTER WHAT! Come rain or shine, finals, dates, dances, major holidays or shopping trips, the menstrual cylcle stops for no woman.

-Menstruation involves bleeding from the vagina. Typing that just makes me feel gross.

-The smell. Horrific at best... like warm, oozing death.

-Cramps. An irritating inconvenience for some, for others it involves being woken up at 4 AM by a stabbing pain in the abdomen that makes you writhe in agony for four hours until you puke five times, curse the day you were born, drench whatever your wearing in sweat, eventually fall asleep exhausted, then wake up feeling like Maryanne in "Sense and Sensibility" when the fever breaks.

-Tampons: we're thankful for what they accomplish, but wouldn't you just rather not in the long run? I have a feeling that tampons will be proven (by experts) to cause cancer of the vagina within our lifetime.

-Pads: again, thankful. But gross

-The dispensers in bathroom stalls. Always overflowing and gross, because who wants to clean that out? (A note: always wrap ladies, always wrap. It's just common courtesy)

-The expense of pads, tampons, pain relief of all types, heating pads, chocolate etc.

-That in order to ease the pain and uncertainty of the menstrual cycle via birth control we have to undergo an exam that is, for lack of a better word, medieval and barbaric.

-When the blood gets on your pants/skirt. It's happened to all of us, and really, there is nothing more humilliating in this life.

-The mood swings. Unwarranted crying and yelling, depression, extreme irritation. No I'm not in a bad mood, I just have my FREAKING PERIOD... OKAY??!!!

-The weight gain. Let's just add insult to injury.

-Let's not forget the break out. As if one couldn't feel more unattractive, having one's face explode the week prior to, during or after this heinous experience really adds.

-The biorhythms developed at summer camp, or other facilities of prolonged communal living, which cause all female occupants to menstruate AT THE SAME TIME. Incidentally, this phenomena cannot be experienced until the women have lived together long enough that they are sick of each other's company anyway.

-The male reaction. Support and understading rather than extreme disgust. I mean, no one wants all the grisly details, but for heaven's sake, if they're not going to get their butts outside and toil in the earth, they had better at least appreciate the burden we're bearing.

-The Old Testament reaction. Far be it for me to criticize the Lord or the people of Israel, but Red Tents? Like, a month of ritual cleansing?

-The fact that Eve ate the apple. Dangit mom.

It's been a while

So, I haven't written in here in a while, but I finally came up with something kinda worthwhile to write about on here.

So the parentals and I joined a new church this morning. LaGuardo Baptist Church.

I've been asked how I feel about joining there, and to be honest, I don't have any feelings toward it. I figure it can't be any worse than our last church, but I am quite skeptical of them.

Everyone that came up to greet us today when we joined was very nice and personable, and yes, I was even recruited into the choir, and I'm singing in the contata next sunday, but why should I believe that they are any different than the last church people?

I'll be honest, I was ashamed to tell people I was a member at our last church...especially after we left. I'm relieved not to be on our last church's roster anymore. But upon leaving the last church, I've become even more aware of how decietful and malicious the people there were. I'm so dissappointed in some of those people. i really do feel bad for them, and all the non-Christians that come in contact with them. I'm so glad that I wasn't un-saved coming into that church. if I had been, I can guarantee that not only would I have refused to become a Christian, but the idea of just going to a church would have completely been forgotton.

I was thinking earlier today, and when I die, I know I'm going to Heaven. Clearly, I'll be in Heaven for eternity. If those people that I had to suffer being with at that church are truly Christians (and to be honest, i don't see how they could be acting the way they do) I don't want to have to spend eternity with them. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. If that's wrong for me to think...oh well. I'm human. I think. It happens. But fortunatly I love Jesus more, and I'm willing to go to Heaven to be with Him.

I've just become so completely turned off from church. i have no desire what so ever to go. I don't ever want to have to go through all the things I had to endure again.

It's strange at our new church because everyone there shakes my hand and talks to me. I'm not ignored or skirted around. Tonight at choir practice, people thanked me for coming to sing with them, and told me i did a great job...even though they probably couldn't hear me. But still. That meant sooo much to me.

i just want a church family. one that is happy to see me, doesn't ignore me, and loves Jesus more than themselves...and doesn't have completely selfish motives...and wants to grow the church for God...not keep it the same size with the same people so they can have a power trip.

I hope I'm happy about church again. i hope I enjoy it again. I hope that one day, I stop despising church. But be honest, you can't blame me. Puberty was a walk in the park compared to the hell i went through in that church.

But at least now, at this church, I can invite people, and not feel ashamed. I don't have to worry about them being ignored. I know, at this church, they will see and feel Jesus there. You don't know how much of a relief that is.

Please pray for me. i'm so spiritually deprived and parched. I need a core group of Christians my age and a little older to help and support me. I never had a youth group, and I've never had a college and career group. Something is wrong with this picture. But hopefully things are turning around for me now.

Wow, this was longer than I thought it was going to be.